Back in the Burbs

Have you ever had a day where everything in life seems so bad? Greetings, this is my third month after I discovered my soon-to-be ex-husband having an extramarital affair with his paralegal. At thirty-five, I've lost my career, my NYC apartment, my money, and, to be honest, my dignity.

But the last pain in my life's suck sandwich? Maggie, my great-aunt, departed. The only relative who has ever understood me.

But even in death, she's supporting my ascent. She has dared me to seize life by the family jewels and has willed me the keys to a suburban home, of all places. My ex should take note—I already have the vise grips on tight—and I'm prepared to battle for my life once more.

Regrettably, that audacity is limited to the duration required to travel into Huckleberry Hills. go take a look at the house.

I can feel every single one of the 47 distinct HOA violations in my bones. To be honest, I'm shocked that nobody has yet "accidentally" set fire to the house. I've only been standing in front of it for five minutes, but I want to. However, I'm just...done when my sultry, gorgeous neighbor orders me to mow the yard first. I'm over people who constantly tell me what to do and over males who are too attractive for their own good.

The first rule of living in the suburbs? You can tackle anything with YouTube and a glass of wine.